I was a 54 year old widow three years ago. My husband of almost 30 years got sick and died–I hate when people ask about how he died- he got sick and died the end; what business is it of yours? If you were so intersted were the hell were you while he was sick? We have great family and friends and for as bad as it was they got me though it.
Until they weren’t there anymore. So from the beginning, after they my friends and family went back to their life, I realized I needed to make a life for myself. This from a women who was the breadwinners, didn’t put gas in her car and was keep alittle girl by a wonderful sweet controlling man…who I did love and he loved me’ but really does that matter now. Believe me, if you know anyone who has lost a husband or wife;- don’t wonder why they only dwell on the good parts- because life would be hell, if you lost your best friend and you only could remember the bad parts–give them a break and let them live in the world they needed to create to cope, stop being judgmental and do not tell them they are nuts—they know!!! So with a bunch of therapy; which is a good thing up to a point and no anti depressants ( because unless you really need one-feel the pain and the joy and figure out without meds how to have forward motion, eventually your heart will catch up to your head plus there are no pills for life you just go though it) find faith or a good therapist or a clergy or just someone who can take your crap until it gets some what better or you came out otherside you will know. When making yourself breakfast comes easy or just not crying a whole day- you will know. So if you are a widow or widower reading this blog you get it. Anyway not lumping everyone into this catorgory, but I bet some of you can relate. After (not his real name) Steve died, I spent my days crying and wearing black, learning how to write a check, balance a check book , how to become best friends with the bank manager, so when I call in panic to ask how much money I have; they don’t ask me for my ss # or my mother’s maiden name- she just knows that I am having a moment of unbelieveable fear and when I hear my balance I am calm–wierd but true. So, why dont just go on line to find my account information–because I want someone with a voice to give a hoot about me today!!!. Mostly, I miss human touch as much as I miss someone reassuring in my life. What about human touch? Did you realize alone means- no one will hug you for no reason, no one will lightly touch your foot as they walk by the couch…nothing. So after you check your money and you have a job- what’s next- moving, that’s right the house it’s to big, to many memories, you can’t afford it and you don’t want to live in your sister’s basement. Let’s recap- money ok, work-you are lucky you still have a job, ( you should always recount your blessings everyday it makes you more confident and you dont’ cry as much because what you do have outways; the bad to a certain point). Finally, your move into your own place. I have never bought or sold a house; however I have lived in two new homes with Steve, who did all the paper work money parts prime rate you name it he did it t I just signed some papers. Hey, if you think for one minute you can lose your husband, move, and understand a mortage your must be extremely cause I didn’t get any of it- I know nothing about this process and I much as I wanted to know I was grief stricken and someone else had to read the papers help me with my mortage and I signed the papers –not to different from when I was married- I do not feel as stupid as I felt. Either should you. Now here I am in my own place except, you don’t know where the glasses are because when you moved your friends decided what was best and put them in a closest with the plates and the forks and knives in a drawer and that first night you lay in your new bed because you couldn’t bear to sleep in that bed( the one I slept in with my husband and you know all that private stuff happened there) , plus what happen when you start dating–which if you read this far, this blog will be mostly about that dating, my first, the worst and the best–stick around it gets histerical !! Anyway, I am in my new bed in my new home.
which was decorated by my friends, who have not the same taste as you ( was that polite enough). Laying in bed I sit up and realize Where is my happy home, where is my life- I reference a Cars Song if you get that. So finally in the new place, new job, new life, all alone, what the hell do you do with yourself. Me I went to every golf course in town and walked up to play with strangers, because it’s easier to be with people who don’t know about your history and they won’t ask questions or you can lie. I didn’t lie but I didn’t tell the truth either. Because at this point I didn’t even know what kind of food I liked or didn’t because as a wife you eat what your husband likes, you loose a great part of yourself and some of us never get her back and some of us get “A Do Over” that is what my sister is calling it. Freedom at a price. Ok so I spend my days at work and going to the golf course to play with stranges as I lie to my friends and family and tell them I have stuff to do–I don’t want to be a burden and really I think they are sick of being nice to me. What about being horny…yes women have the needs and at some point you have to have a -what I learned from my new single friends is you have to have ” transistion man” you know the one you have the first date, but in your mind, all you can think about is jumping his bones. So now the dating process begins…while I have simplied the system and perhaps the sad stuff, this isn’t why I came to blog- this life is scary, strange; but the only thing you can control is what you want to have happen. Stuff is going to happen, believe me you can sit still and drama will happen. You don’t actually have to make it up. If I don’t like my choice, I change it with great examination or just because, I don’t like it and I don’t want it anymore- mostly it’s men in my life or friends but it works.. What you don’t know you don’t know until it happens. I have learned you pay two ways for your choices- by money or by your heart each one a painful a expeience, each one a learning lesson and by goodness don’t let this happen again. I read that we string these choices in our mind, so that it becomes a sense memory for protection. Makes sense to me. Why keep making the same mistake twice or three times, at this age we don’t have that much time or energy to go lightly into anything. Our hearts lead us down some really interesting paths however; once you went down that path and you didn’t like it Reset the table and go on. Mistakes are not failure they just mean you lived!!! Also if you are a young widow and someone tells you don’t make changes right away tell them to stick it- make your way regain who you are and do what you want within reason. Believe me it makes for a more interesting life and you will lose friends, you will make people mad at you; but you choose and when I felt myself maybe a bit swining in the wrong direction I reset my table-because I could.
Here is what I have learned in the last three years, and while some might use other words, it works for me. Know that you are in control of your life to a point and if you haven’t already made your destiny- a try at least everyday to walk though a fear- I bought a gps I call her Gloria because Steve always said I was misdirection while I still get lost but Gloria gets me there. iF -You didnt’ have time to make your way becasue sickness and death and the business of death had you going in to many directions.. You had responsiblities to take care of, ones you didn’t think you would have to do ever in your life but- you did, you are not different, but how you move though– that’s what’s important. Someone a friend, I thought said ” I would have pulled the covers over my head and never came out” First of all, your not me and second of all, I am to young and you are a gretty glum, that is what I wanted to say but I didn’t -people say the most stupid stuff when you are grieving -hint say nothing or take them to dinner or something don’t say stuff it’s only makes you stupid and we remember that even in grief, that’s why you couldn’t move forward. No me- by the way I knew her for 19 years , she in no longer my friend and I think she was in love with my husband, another story another time perhaps. What I found is this, you can ” Reset Your Table” at anytime- like getting rid of toxic friends-for those us who never made changes; this path is all about change and walking though the fear of living a new life- finding your way. Just on more thing- I have had all of Dr Phil’s 7 life changing events in one year– supposed to be in a lifetime- I did it.
Rough and each day got better and you slide back, but I picked my self up with a made up faith that gets me though ( I pray everyday from a book I got at the hospital when Steve was there the second time, some pastor thought I needed to pray, boy was he right. I watch Joel Olsteen because he seems to be a motivator and I can be motived in bed. I journal, which is really something- from the time Steve died to now, I go back and see my progress and wonder who the hell that girl was and who I am today. Not always the best thing, since I cry for her but laugh alot at her too.
So on to dating, it’s just funny stuff and I bet you have alot of your own life ‘s moments to share. Dating at this age is probably the hardest thing I had to do–while I want someone in my life, I get along very well by myself -I choose!! I want to share my eharmony, match and those urban ledgends, which if they happen they are not happening to me not yet anyway. Dating starts next and really if you don’t laugh you would cry. No more tears for me. Thanks Widowgirl